Here’s the next duel

Topic: Loxley vs Irkan
Length: Approximately 500 words

PLEASE VOTE FOR THE PIECES AFTER READING THEM!!

Feedback and comments are also appreciated.



Loxley’s Submission
Loxley gritted his teeth hard.
This was it. Now he had to make good on his promise to end the war in Aphrodia. The time for peace talks was over, and now was the time for action. The mercenaries around him, his friends and soldiers, were looking to him to lead them into battle against the most tyrannical evil that had ever lived, Dark Lord Irkan Vader, the man who had slain the king of Aphrodia, and kidnapped the pretty princess that Loxley would kiss at the end of the movie. Irkan had thrown the country of Aphrodia into a state of chaos and war.
Now, it was his time to get pwned.
Captain Loxley threw up his cybernetic arm and pointed at the Dark Lord.
“Cease your evildoing and surrender, Irkan.”, he said. “If you do not, I’m afraid I’m going to have to kick your ass. And it won’t be pretty.” His fellow mercenaries stood by, weapons aimed at Irkan, ready to blow him away at Loxley’s command. But Loxley knew their bullets would not be able to harm the dark lord.
“You’ve got balls.”, Irkan replied with a mad laughter. “But balls ain’t enough to defeat the Dark Lord. Now die!” His eyes crack-opened as a blue energy ball took shape in his hand, moments before he tossed it towards Loxley. The mercenaries opened fire, and the air filled with the hammering rattle of machinegun fire. Loxley instinctively threw himself sideways as Irkan launched the energy ball, and out of his cyber-arm came the autocannon, as he opened fire on the Dark Lord.
Irkan, the man who had killed his father, sent his mother to Taiwan and ate his dog, laughed as the bullets bounced off of him. Even the energy rays from Loxley’s autocannon bounced off without doing any damage.
And so, Irkan held out his own arm. And in it rested a red beam sword, a cheap Star Wars-toy for evildoers. But it was deadly just the same. He started running towards Loxley, with a battle cry and while bullets rained over him from the mercenaries. Loxley, however, did not fear him. He was ready.
His autocannon was recessed into the arm, and replaced by a circle-shaped chainsaw at the end of the arm. It began to spin with a hissing sound, and Loxley allowed himself a cold grin as Irkan’s sword came down on him. Moments before it was too late, his chainsaw went up and blocked it’s energy.
The impact forcefully pushed Loxley back a step, but then, he pushed the sword aside, and threw himself between Irkan’s legs, rolling between them and getting up again behind him. Irkan turned around, just in time to see the chainsaw come in over his chest, tearing it wide open. He dropped his beam sword, and coughed blood as his eyes stared, full of hate, at Captain Loxley, war hero of the 53rd Aphrodian Mercenary Legion.
The man who had just brought peace to war-torn Aphrodia.



Irkan’s Submission
Hanging above the arena, a full moon cast it's silver ligth down on the throng gathered there. Waiting in the fighting pit was Loxley, also known as Virus. Upon seeing the green man, the name was obvious. Whistling a song meant for bagpipes, Irkan sauntered into the arena, casually ignoring the crowds above. The green thing waiting made what it apparently thought was a scary face and Irkan almost lost the fight before it could begin, so hard did he laugh.

At the word go, the green abomination reached out towards Irkan, who took a step to the left and shadow-walked to behind the monstrosity. Sensing his presence, Loxley sent a roundhouse punch Irkan's way. Ducking under the swing, the fighter jabbed with his right hand, an injector sinking into Virus. Brown rapidly spread through the green. The audience laughed as Loxley now looked like a gigantic shit. Then the brown shape contracted into a scrawny human body, only covered by a misshapen loincloth.

Before the Virus could get used to his old human body, Irkan's knee connected with his groin, tender as thug's punch. Bending over, Virus vomited onto the arena sands. While the other man was thus committed, Irkan drove several iron nails into the man's kidneys. The force of the blow, accompanied by a kick to his backside, sent Virus face first into the mush he had made.

Two quick steps brought Irkan next to the man's head. Crouching, he pulled the other's face out of the slush. Vomit glued sand to the face, mixed with blood from a broken nose. Standing up, he hauled the hapless Virus' face up toward the crowds. They cheered, but it was mixed with boredom, the fight had, after all, been a short one. They had a right to be disappointed.

A broad smile marred Irkan's features as he cried out: “What to do with him?” It took a second for the spectators to realize what he said, then they answered with the customary cry of the crowd. “Kill! Kill! Kill!” resounded in the Colosseum.

From an inner pocket, Irkan took out a vial holding a green liquid which he poured down Virus throat. “Now you'll stay awake,” Irkan whispered in Virus' ear, while unsheathing a knife.

A kick sent Loxley sprawling on his back. One quick stroke of the blade opened his guts, the bluish intestines laid bare for all to see. The scourge of the arena suddenly wasn't that scary any more. Finding the thick part, Irkan cut the intestine off as close to the end as he could, then held it at Virus' mouth. “Eat!”

The elixir that kept him conscious also made him compliant. Slowly at first, then speeding up, Virus started consuming itself. The crowd watched in stunned silence as the man they had cheered on for weeks swallowed down his own body. Once the intestine was gone, Virus moved on to a new organ, only kept alive by a cruel elixir until his body was no more.

I do believe that this is the goriest duel that we have had. Neither story hit me as particularly well written. Both had spelling and gramatical errors.
Loxley, you are giving this a good try, however take your idea a step further, add your own elements of origonality. You have a unique style and with a bit of tweaking I know you can come up with some great stories.
Irkan, you had some spelling errors and some minor gramar mistakes. And some of your wording is a bit akward.
Good job however, keep working at it.

My vote for this would have to go for Irkan.

I agree that even though they are light-hearted and fun, neither of them is particularly well-written. Not outright terrible, but not great. It bothers me when things don't get proofread. There's always time to check for mistakes and a piece of writing is never complete until it has been edited.

In Loxleys case, there is a significant recurring error in dialog punctuation:

“Cease your evildoing and surrender, Irkan.”, he said.

The comma goes inside the quotation marks, and a sentence can only have one period. It should look like this:

“Cease your evildoing and surrender, Irkan,” he said.

***In the spirit of the mighty duel, I vote for Irkan

Actually, I proofread this. If there are mistakes, it's rules that I'm not aware off. If it's not too much bother, could you give a few pointers?

In the first line, you used it's when it should have been its...

it's means "it is".

Waiting in the fighting pit was Loxley is hugely passive-voice. When you see too many -ing endings, try rewriting the sentence to make it more active... like this:

Loxley waited in the fighting pit. Let the subject receive the verb. In other words, let Loxley be the *doer* in the sentence.

Among other minor errors.

You'll do fine if you don't think your learning is finished. Grammar and punctuation are the core foundation or writing... so learn them well.

Thanks. so, the -ing for is passive, then. I do have trouble with that, get the same complaint from my Norwegian teacher. I'm aware that I have to work on that so I tried in this piece. It was even worse before I went through it.
I think I've started on the steps. I need to walk some more.

You're doing fine. Caring is the one thing that separates those who will succeed from those who will fail.

Therefore... you will succeed.

Thanks. The day I stop caring, the closest person is allowed to show on my doorstep with a bat and violate my kneecaps.