Okay, so I've had this idea for a short story for a while and I finally started working on it while on vacation. The only problem is, I have NO idea what should happen next. So, if you all would be so kind as to look this over and give critiques and suggestions, I'd be grateful. Please keep in mind that this is a very rough draft that I haven't edited at all. It's also way outside of my normal writing style. Thanks in advance!


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I was about seventeen when mum finally decided that I needed to go get a job. Or rather, she decided that she wasn’t going to buy me a new car when the old one’s engine finally conked out for the last time. And, as I wasn’t about to give up what little independence I had gained, there was really only one option. Go find a job.

In a small town like Batesville, there’s a very limited choice in jobs. Most of the places in town have their regular staff that doesn’t change from year to year and positions only open up when someone dies or has a baby. Really there’s usually only one place with a high enough turn over rate to even try looking for a help wanted poster in the window.

M’s Drive Thru Restaurant, usually just called M’s by the locals, is one of the biggest lunchtime hangout spots in town. The actual first word of the name is Ma’s, but the ‘a’ hasn’t worked in years and years. Some people say it hasn’t worked ever since Maud took over the place from the original, Daisy May, and that really that’s okay, because she’s a better manager than Ma ever was.

You see, the high turn over rate from M’s isn’t because people are unhappy with their jobs. On the contrary, most of people who’ve worked there have nothing but praise for Maud and the few members of the staff that seem to be permanent. They’re nice, cheerful, and helpful. In fact, the only complaints I’ve ever heard are that they’re too good at what they do and they make the rest of the staff looks slow. The reason they have such a high turn over rate is because Maud has a knack for finding people better jobs. While she pays a lot more than most fast food restaurants, it’s not what most people want to do for the rest of their lives. Every few weeks Maud’s able to send someone off to the job of their dreams, or if not that then one they’d been happy doing for the rest of their lives. That’s kind of what I was expecting when I first started. Unfortunately, or rather, fortunately, fate and Maud had other idea.

I suppose I should explain something now before I go on. Maud’s a witch. Well, not a witch exactly, though that’s what she’s known as around town. She and her sister both are psychics. In fact, her sister runs a shop in town where you can gent your future told. She doesn’t use any hocus pocus stuff, I mean none of the usual gimmicks you see a psychic shops. While she does do some palm readings, she doesn’t use that as her main way to win over customers. She says the tarot cards are much more accurate and sensitive anyways. Really, though she doesn’t even need those. All she has to do is look at a person and she can usually tell more about them and their futures then you could normally find out in half an hour of talking. She keeps a couple of crystal balls out just for show. She doesn’t really need them to focus, or whatever it is that she has to do to find out about people. In fact there are only two people in town that she says she can’t really get an accurate future from: Maud and Mayor Bob.

When asked about these two, she always gives the same answers. “Can’t read my sister ‘cause the old gal’s got the same ability I do, and she can change how things are gonna happen just aw well as I can see ‘em. Sometime I think she changes things on purpose, just to keep me on my toes! And that old Bob, I can’t read him either. The man’s just too damn unpredictable.” Then she’d just shake her head and go back to whatever she’d been doing.

Maud herself doesn’t have much to say on the subject, usually because she’s too busy taking orders and flipping burgers. I have to say, she’s one of the hardest working people I’ve ever seen. She works all day, every day. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her take even one day off. I asked her about it once, but she just shrugged and said she was needed around here more than she needed any kind of a vacation. And as bad as that sounds about the rest of the staff, it’s true. Things wouldn’t run nearly as smoothly here without her around. Because she’s a witch, she usually knows who’s going to order and when, so she’s able to start the orders going before the people even start their cars on the way to the drive thru. She knows what all the regulars want, even Mayor Bob. She says that food’s the only thing he’s predictable in. So, usually it’s only the people who’ve come down off the highway to grab a bite to eat that throw a kink into the works, and even then she’s sometimes able to predict what they want. Things generally run so smoothly there that some people don’t even get to see the other side of Maud’s powers. Even when they do see her do it, some people don’t even notice. In fact, the first time I saw her do it, I almost missed it entirely.

It was the normal weekday lunchtime rush that day. Maud was sending orders back to the kitchen about five minutes before the people would actually pull up to order, and cranking them out as fast as they could get up to the window and hand her their money. And then a car from town pulled up and she froze. I’m not saying paused to look at who it was and chit-chat. She just froze in place as they were handing her their money. It only lasted a moment, but the look of surprise on her face was something I’ll never forget. You don’t often get to see Maud surprised. Sherry, one of the permanents, was the first to ask about the strange look.

“Maud? You okay?” She started to move towards where Maud was moving to put the money in the register.

“I’m fine, now go pull those fries out before you ruin them, and be careful not to burn yourself on the grease.” She started across the kitchen to where we kept the stuff for deserts. “Elli, quit gawking and get back to those burgers, or Mr. McDowell will have to wait for his order.” Needless to say, I got back to the burgers rather quickly as they were indeed on the verge of burning. Maybe I’d just imagined that look, I thought to myself as I moved the stack I’d been cooking off the griddle and over to where their buns were waiting. But Sherry had seen it too. Still, it probably wasn’t anything to worry about. What I was confused over was the milkshake Maud seemed to be making. I knew Mrs. Graidy, and actually I’d filled out her order myself today about five minutes ago. There hadn’t been any mention of a milkshake anywhere on the list Maud had handed me. Oh well, I figured that maybe someone had finally surprised the woman.

When the milkshake was done she put it and the drink Mrs. Graidy actually had ordered and put them into a drink holder, handing it out to her along with two straw and her meal. “Shakes on the house, darlin’.” Maud said sweetly.

“Well thank you, I suppose one of your milkshakes is worth a little bit of a wait,” Mrs. Graidy replied, taking the meal. “Well, I’ll see you all tomorrow. Have a good day.” She pulled away from the window and I thought that was that. Well, at least for about two seconds. The squeal of tires at the entrance to the street made everyone except for Maud jerk their heads up from what they’d been doing. Thankfully there hadn’t been the sickening crunch of metal that should have followed if she’d actually made contact with the other car.

Without looking up from where she was getting a cup of coffee, Maud said, “Sherry, go out and get her out of her car. Bring her in here and set her down at the break table.”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Elli, get one of those apple fritters out of the oven and bring it over to the table. I have a feeling it’s going to take a while to calm Mrs. Graidy down.”

“Yes ma’am.” As I went over to get the fritter she sighed.

“Do you know what happened?”

“Mrs. Graidy almost had an accident,” I replied as I pulled out the pan that held the deserts in the warmer.

“Yes, before that, though.”

I thought back and remembered. “You gave her a milkshake she hadn’t ordered. She had to wait for it.”

“That’s right. If I hadn’t she would have died. She didn’t look before pulling out, wouldn’t have before either. The driver that missed her this time would have hit her car, crushing the driver’s side door.”

“Why didn’t you just tell her to watch both ways as she went out then?” I had to ask as I got the dessert onto a paper plate Maud handed me.

“Wouldn’t have made a lick of difference. And before you ask, I didn’t warn her because things can’t work like that. I learned long ago that telling people directly often put them in worse danger than they were in to begin with. If I wanted to help, to make a difference, I had to be subtle about it.”

“So why are you telling me this now?” I asked as Sherry opened the door and brought a shaken looking Mrs. Graidy in to the table.

She smiled a little as she poured another cup of coffee, presumably for Sherry, “Because one of these days, you are going to play a major role in saving someone’s life. But only if you do exactly as I say Elspeth Marie.”

Startled though I was I nodded; I hadn’t realized she knew my full name, let alone that my mother addressed me as such when she wanted me to pay particular attention to something she was saying.

“Now, we have to get back to work, or else everyone in town will be late coming back from lunch.” She smiled a little as she took the coffees over to where Sherry was calming Mrs. Graidy, and that was the end of that. We finished the rest of our shift without any more excitement, which was probably a very good thing. After Mrs. Graidy’s performance, I don’t think I could have handled any more excitement.

Things were quite after that for several weeks, or well, as quiet as they usually are around M’s. From then on, though, I kept a watchful eye out for the sorts of things that I had seen right before Mrs. Graidy almost had had her accident. Though it was the sort of thing I wouldn’t normally notice every now and then Maud would just out of the blue go make a milkshake for someone, or get them a free fritter out of the oven. Something small that wasn’t on the order, but would certainly be appreciated by the person receiving them, but did delay their pulling out be up to a minute or two. I didn’t mention it until the day that I saw Maud purposefully take five minutes to create an ice cream sundae someone at the window hadn’t ordered. She just looked at me like I had grown a second head and said, “I have already told you once what this is, Elli, and I am not in the habit of repeating myself.” I didn’t ask again.

It hit me when I had been there for seven months that I was the only person besides the permanents who had been hired so long ago that hadn’t already found a position elsewhere. In fact, there were people who had been hired after I had been that had already moved on. At first it was a little alarming that I’d been here so long and hadn’t even seemed to realize it. Then I thought about it a little, along with what Maud had told me that day almost five months earlier. Did she mean that I was going to become one of the permanents? While I wasn’t entirely sure that I wanted to spend the rest of my life working in a drive thru burger joint, I didn’t hate it either. Maud was one of the best bosses around. She knew the importance of family and would usually give you a day off if you needed it even before you had a chance to ask. If someone had a fight with a boyfriend or girlfriend they were always given time to go make up, along with some fritter to talk it over with. Maud usually didn’t meddle too much in those things, though. Said that was one of the areas where she really did lack expertise. Really it wasn’t just her, either. Of the permanent staff I can only think of one woman who’s had a husband, and she got divorced right before coming to work at M’s. And while there are at least two permanent guys who work at M’s, you don’t see them doing anything more than teasingly flirting with the new girls. Johnny and Dean were very good, though, in that they never flirted with the permanents or someone who was going to become one. That was when I first realized that they had never flirted with me.

A stranger comes to town...



Really, that's all I've got right now. Let me reread it again later and I'll see what I can come up with.

Wow... an actual writing related talk... I'm in.

The only problem is this: I don't have time right now to read it, and now that I've looked at this post the red dot will go away, and I'll be forced to try and remember it based on the honor system.

I'll try REALLY hard to remember to read it soon.

But PLEASE after a day or two, if you haven't heard from me, BUMP this thread or PM me.

I'm busy right now, but never too busy for a writer.

On orders from Fiffy, I do bump this thread.

Okay... here are my thoughts (Most of them good)

It is in need of editing, but you already said that. It also needs a tightening of both the dialog and narrative. There is some repetitive things in there and some phrasings that don't seem to fit the style of story.

The story has a really good "down home folklore" feel to it. Almost at a level that would raise a lot of eyebrows in the literary world (not yet, but it could easily with work)

I like that you threw in a bit of dialect, but then you killed it's effectiveness with narrative that's too proper. The first person narrator is also from this place and at least a tiny bit of dialect and less-proper phrasing should show through in the narrative to breath some life into the teller of the tale.

On that note, I'd like to see a bit more about Elli's character and background prior to the story actually launching. Build the narrator a bit first before moving on.

The one thing I didn't like was the delivery of a key moment on a silver platter. You just came out and told the reader that Maud was physic rather than allow the reader to discover that for themselves through the events. A great story should hold a great deal of mystery, intrigue and a "WTF is going on here" kind of feel. Then, when the time is right and the tension is high, let the secret be revealed to the reader through the events of the story... and hit me with a ton of bricks when I least expect it!

As for what should come next: You seemed to be gearing this story up for a passing of the torch. At least that's the feel that I get. that Maud is preparing Elli to take over in her "duties".

I think it would be a really cool twist, if the events played out that Elli is supposed to do something that will not SAVE a life, but RELEASE one. How about if Maud is just tired and extremely old and WANTS to leave this world, but cannot die. What if Elli is somehow tricked into "arranging" for events to take place in such a way that it will ultimately result in Maud's death.

Like: "There will be a guy in a brown suit someday... do not let him leave for at least thirty minutes." Then an event occurs where another gentlemen enters the restaurant and there is a confrontation. (one that should not have happened if "Mr brown Suit" had left on time) Then shots are fired and Maud is hit. Or something unexpected like that. But something she obviously foresaw and planned for... even wanted.

In a happy, "that's what she wanted" kind of way.

Then jump to the future... and end the story with Elli as an old woman hiring a new young girl who shows promise... leave the reader knowing that Elli will be preparing her own death at the end.

Just some suggestions.

I liked it a lot! Give it some serious work at the sentence level. Dig down into the details of the story and inject little "things" that will add to the excitement and mystery as the story unfolds.

This story is already 2288 words long. I wouldn't go past 8000. It needs to read like a twilight zone episode with a suprise twist.

Nice job, Kuro...

If you were shooting for novel length, this could be AMAZING.

But you'd have to become a master of pacing to keep it moving well and keep the tension, mystery and suspense HIGH.

Then this might have to get shelved until gain the experience I'd need to be able to write this on the level you are suggesting. I'll try right now, though, to get what I can into this.

Were you thinking novel here?

If so, I see a great deal of talent and hope in your writing. You'd be surprised how much you will learn during the writing of the rough draft, and if you take it seriously enough, by the time you are ready for revisions... you just might BE that master.

The things most worth pursuing are NEVER worth "shelving".

Trust in yourself... and use the draft process to master your craft.

I think you may have a great story on your hands.

Okay, so I have a question for anyone who's read this little ditty. Would it completely destroy the feel of the story to switch it from first person to third person? The reason I ask is that I have another scene in my head for this story, but it involves characters other than then main one (or at least I think it does). I'm sure I could rework the scene to make it first person, but that would probably take it totally out of the format in which I am currently seeing it. So, this begs the question, would this work be better as a first or third person narrative?

Kuro,
Right now i would go ahead and write out the other scene using the other character(s). You can then later decided what person (first or third) fits best in the story. Sometimes in chapters you switch from a main in chapter 1 to a secondary character in chapter two. Some authors successfully keep the main character as first person and the secondaries as third.

try it and see how it feels.

I really like the story, Kuro. I hope you keep working on it. Would love to read more.

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